Hello, my name is Joe Gonzalez. I have been with LADWP since November 2014. I work in Power Generation as a Controls Mechanic, and I am a recovered alcoholic.

I came from a middle-class working family in Southern California and had everything a young boy could ask for: a stable, intact, family-friendly home; a loving mother and father; two older sisters; and a younger brother. But inside I felt different from others. I was very shy and tended to isolate. I also had a lot of fear growing up. Much of it came from watching TV and the news, and I often felt that some sort of impending doom was just around the corner, even though it never came. I remember worrying a lot about what others thought of me—what they were thinking about me. I was too afraid to ask them or even talk to anyone.

I remember my grandma and dad sharing sips of wine and beer with me. It was always to my disgust, the taste was horrible, and I would have much rather had a soda. But by the time I was twelve, I could see that others were happy and laughing around alcohol, and I was curious. I knew they were not drinking for the flavor; they were drinking for the effect produced by alcohol. The time came when I had my first real drunk. My buddy had a twelve-pack of beer waiting for me when I came over, and we split it. After every sip, I could feel the alcohol entering my body. My nose was tingling, the top of my head and the tips of my fingers were alive, and I could not stop laughing. I was drunk and enjoyed every minute of it. I remember asking myself why I had not tried this sooner, because maybe I had always needed a drink. All the fear vanished, and I could talk to others quite easily, as if I had lost all worry about what they thought of me or about even talking to them. Alcohol made me feel free.

I went through life seeking that effect produced by alcohol and other substances. I was playing music, having fun, and attending college (and not doing very well). My number one priority was getting that effect from alcohol, and everything else came second. Eventually I stopped it all because things were getting difficult. I completely abstained and lasted six months. I swore off everything. Eventually I found myself needing a drink again. Within a month I was drinking daily. I was married and eventually became a father, and I thought that if I was a stay-at-home dad then I would have to stop drinking. I was sober the day my daughter was born, and by the next day I was drunk. Eventually I lost the marriage, custody of my daughter, and I began to feel the physical effects of alcohol dependence taking a serious toll on my body.

Whenever I put alcohol into my body, I could not control the amount I drank. If I intended to drink a certain amount, I would get that in me, think how silly that limit was, and always drink more. I always overshot the mark. Eventually the only way I could stop was by going to the hospital to have a doctor detox me chemically. I would get home and turn over a brand-new leaf. “It’s going to be better now; I am a whole new person,” I would tell myself. But I would eventually drink again and set in motion the same cycle of drinking, detoxing, starting new, and then drinking again. When I was sober, I believed the voice in my mind that told me it was okay to drink again. The allergy of the body and obsession of the mind are what make me alcoholic. I am not like a normal drinker.

I was having problems with attendance at work, and a coworker showed me the Peer Volunteer Program. They were helpful in showing me how to get help, and eventually I did. I found recovery from alcohol in one of the programs they suggested, and my life has taken on new meaning. I have found that being available to help others with the same problems I had is the most important thing I can do to help myself. I am pleased to be a Peer Volunteer and help others who may feel alone and misunderstood. I understand, and the Peer Volunteers understand, like no one else does I had to make the decision to reach out—no one could do it for me—so I encourage you to do the same. We are here to help you.

Joe Gonzalez